Friday, June 29, 2012

Trauma, Drama, and Black Dick?

A few months back I had backed way off mentioned her starting back in the interracial lifestyle. We were both in a hole emotionally, her weight was up, which made her feel bad, and outside stresses were hammering us. So in a hotub drinking moment I asked her if she was able to be with her favorite lover again would she start back. She didn't answer.

The next morning I sobered up and told her that I had been insane to even suggest it and to not take what I said seriously.

Let me recap about her favorite lover.
She had met him with me on a trip in a town in which we overnighted. We had met online. On our return she wanted to be with him again. Three months later -- even though we had plans to be with him in a month -- she invited him to our home while I was out of town on business. She fucked him for 2 nights in every room in our house, bareback, and never let me know. I discovered it when he emailed her photos of them together in my home and she accidentally left her computer on.

It was a painful time that I didn't understand. Still don't. It didn't make sense then, and doesn't make sense now, on why she would do him behind my back when she could do him without objection in front of me.
She thinks I'm stupid enough to believe it was not an assault on me or our marriage.

Months later I discover that she has recruited her brother into a plot to continue communication with him, having a separate cell phone (which I found), again another round. At one point I went to a lawyer and bought wardrobe boxes at U-haul in which to pack her clothes. I had even considered having her stuff loaded and packed in one of our vehicles when she returned from out of town.

But as we are wont to do I accepted the pleas and promises of "I'll never do it again," "I'll make it up to you," and all that.

Back to the Present
So she had started back working out, we had been doing more role playing about her with black men again, and she has regained her libido--thanks to some natural body evolving and some hormonal therapy.

He comes up in the conversation and she says, "He told me he should apologize to you." That's when I picked up on it.

"When did he tell you this?" She started stammering. I got louder and more demanding for answers.
I won't go through the exchange, no need for that but the reality is she has continued to talk to him since cheating on me. Off and on, more just to keep in touch, some messaging, and I went back for over a year on the phone records. (Yes, she had used her cell phone this time). They had talked last October for 20 minutes, a half hour in December, then in March of this year for 30 minutes, and in May for 2 hours. That was when she told him she thought I would be willing to go along with their meeting again.

This time I told her that I figured I'd just leave. I didn't want to, but this wasn't worth the bullshit. I told her this time to say something different than the promises and words she had lied before. She didn't have anything to say that she had not already said and lied about in the past. The funny thing was from my side I didn't have the emotion. I didn't blow up, scream, cry, feel much. I was more numb than anything. And incredulous that she was this damn stupid overall. 

In my opinion this is a clear cut plot and conspiracy.

We had a drive back home and this time I told her I wanted he to do some things for me because I wanted to do them. For me. She wanted to know what I wanted. My list was short. Stay shaved. Get back into the interracial lifestyle from time to time. Dress hotter. Back to wearing her ankle chain with the Q and spade. I wanted to watch her with 2 black men at once. I wanted a tat on her shoulder. And the kicker I wanted a Queen of spades tat on her pussy. A real tat.

She said she would.

I was ok with that. With that kind of distraction and taking the less uphill road I could hang around. I live my life by my standards, not someone elses, and I really didn't want to go, I just want to be treated like I am appreciated. I would not make a good cuck.

And yes, my limit is on the razors edge of taking a hike right now.

Again after thinking about it for a day or two, I had more questions. And with a couple of drinks I sat her down and asked her, "You kept up contact when you said you wouldn't, you told me you were not in contact with him so my wishes didn't mean anything. You wanted to meet him. He wanted to meet you. It doesn't make sense that you didn't do him more that you told me. Tell me the truth."

She hesitated again, and I asked her with a very loud and determined, "Tell me the Damn truth."

Come to find out that after the first time, and after I found the pix that she had met him three months later for an overnight in a motel, and five months later, again for an overnight, but this time she got there early, they checked in in early afternoon, ordered food in, and fucked for all afternoon and through the night.
And yes, she did tell him she loved him.

So I guess the big question is am I insane for staying?  It is comfortable here. I have no expectations behind her being a slut, and being able to enjoy that part of her from time to time.  Other than her honesty about her fucking behind my back she's an ok wife.

I do want to see here with the tats, and doing a couple of guys at once, and I figure I'll re-evaluate after that happens. If it doesn't happen -- well that has its own set of answers.

I guess the next couple of months will be interesting.

And on another note she asked me to contact one of her old lovers, the porn-star huge one that hurts in certain positions, the only one of her old lovers (other than her cheating partner) that she wants to do. I contacted him, he is still in the game, and looks forward to reintroducing a hot white wife to black dick.
That could happen on a week's notice, but we have houseguests over the holiday, so everything is on hold for the moment.

That's the update. Big changes for me. Would love to hear some of your opinions--especially about my sanity in all this.


M Man said...

Hey there :-)

Thanks for your blog... and especially for being so honest about what's in your head and your heart.

It seems to me you (and perhaps both of you) have always struggled with understanding your needs and desires and what you enjoy about having her fuck other men. I am sure its not unusual.

You've not said that she loves this guy or wants to leave you for him. So I am wondering why you're feeling so cut-up. Not trying to downplay your hurt or the importance of trust and honesty.

But maybe you'd be better off hanging in there, having some 'one way' trust in her and her emotions. Perhaps you need to negotiate some boundaries with her in relation to this guy. But she likes to fuck him.

I still think it can be turned into a positive for you and her both.

Good luck.

Anonymous said...

So hot. Have brought up this topic with my wife a few times and took her to an all black bar too see if she liked any of the men there. We talked about and said "once you go black you don't come back." I said said I would want her back after she was good and stretched out...I would be cool if my wife had a lover like yours.

LucyGirly said...

I must admit to being a latecomer to the blog and only having read so much of it, butI can tell that this is not an easy thing.

My first thought is that if she didn't love you and want to be with you, she would already be gone.
She had the opportunity to make a plan and act on it in a way to be free of you if she wanted.
Yet, she didn't take it.

What I think she is doing is indulging in the illicitness of this. There is a thrill in knowing that you're doing something wrong and getting away with it.
This cycle that you started with her so long ago has really had a lot of illicitness to it, and that thrill can drive people to do some pretty interesting things.
Perhaps now the thrill of that has faded, with the way that your lifestyle has become more routine.

I really think that she is doing this because she wants that thrill again and the only way to get it that she knows of or is willing to try is to sneak around on you.
The more you try and control, if that's the case, the more it makes it thrilling to cheat.

I don't know if I can offer anything close to a solution for this, but I think that there is one.

Stick with it. If you love her, stick with her.

tifffany_keep_going said...

love your honesty ;)