Friday, June 29, 2012

Trauma, Drama, and Black Dick?

A few months back I had backed way off mentioned her starting back in the interracial lifestyle. We were both in a hole emotionally, her weight was up, which made her feel bad, and outside stresses were hammering us. So in a hotub drinking moment I asked her if she was able to be with her favorite lover again would she start back. She didn't answer.

The next morning I sobered up and told her that I had been insane to even suggest it and to not take what I said seriously.

Let me recap about her favorite lover.
She had met him with me on a trip in a town in which we overnighted. We had met online. On our return she wanted to be with him again. Three months later -- even though we had plans to be with him in a month -- she invited him to our home while I was out of town on business. She fucked him for 2 nights in every room in our house, bareback, and never let me know. I discovered it when he emailed her photos of them together in my home and she accidentally left her computer on.

It was a painful time that I didn't understand. Still don't. It didn't make sense then, and doesn't make sense now, on why she would do him behind my back when she could do him without objection in front of me.
She thinks I'm stupid enough to believe it was not an assault on me or our marriage.

Months later I discover that she has recruited her brother into a plot to continue communication with him, having a separate cell phone (which I found), again another round. At one point I went to a lawyer and bought wardrobe boxes at U-haul in which to pack her clothes. I had even considered having her stuff loaded and packed in one of our vehicles when she returned from out of town.

But as we are wont to do I accepted the pleas and promises of "I'll never do it again," "I'll make it up to you," and all that.

Back to the Present
So she had started back working out, we had been doing more role playing about her with black men again, and she has regained her libido--thanks to some natural body evolving and some hormonal therapy.

He comes up in the conversation and she says, "He told me he should apologize to you." That's when I picked up on it.

"When did he tell you this?" She started stammering. I got louder and more demanding for answers.
I won't go through the exchange, no need for that but the reality is she has continued to talk to him since cheating on me. Off and on, more just to keep in touch, some messaging, and I went back for over a year on the phone records. (Yes, she had used her cell phone this time). They had talked last October for 20 minutes, a half hour in December, then in March of this year for 30 minutes, and in May for 2 hours. That was when she told him she thought I would be willing to go along with their meeting again.

This time I told her that I figured I'd just leave. I didn't want to, but this wasn't worth the bullshit. I told her this time to say something different than the promises and words she had lied before. She didn't have anything to say that she had not already said and lied about in the past. The funny thing was from my side I didn't have the emotion. I didn't blow up, scream, cry, feel much. I was more numb than anything. And incredulous that she was this damn stupid overall. 

In my opinion this is a clear cut plot and conspiracy.

We had a drive back home and this time I told her I wanted he to do some things for me because I wanted to do them. For me. She wanted to know what I wanted. My list was short. Stay shaved. Get back into the interracial lifestyle from time to time. Dress hotter. Back to wearing her ankle chain with the Q and spade. I wanted to watch her with 2 black men at once. I wanted a tat on her shoulder. And the kicker I wanted a Queen of spades tat on her pussy. A real tat.

She said she would.

I was ok with that. With that kind of distraction and taking the less uphill road I could hang around. I live my life by my standards, not someone elses, and I really didn't want to go, I just want to be treated like I am appreciated. I would not make a good cuck.

And yes, my limit is on the razors edge of taking a hike right now.

Again after thinking about it for a day or two, I had more questions. And with a couple of drinks I sat her down and asked her, "You kept up contact when you said you wouldn't, you told me you were not in contact with him so my wishes didn't mean anything. You wanted to meet him. He wanted to meet you. It doesn't make sense that you didn't do him more that you told me. Tell me the truth."

She hesitated again, and I asked her with a very loud and determined, "Tell me the Damn truth."

Come to find out that after the first time, and after I found the pix that she had met him three months later for an overnight in a motel, and five months later, again for an overnight, but this time she got there early, they checked in in early afternoon, ordered food in, and fucked for all afternoon and through the night.
And yes, she did tell him she loved him.

So I guess the big question is am I insane for staying?  It is comfortable here. I have no expectations behind her being a slut, and being able to enjoy that part of her from time to time.  Other than her honesty about her fucking behind my back she's an ok wife.

I do want to see here with the tats, and doing a couple of guys at once, and I figure I'll re-evaluate after that happens. If it doesn't happen -- well that has its own set of answers.

I guess the next couple of months will be interesting.

And on another note she asked me to contact one of her old lovers, the porn-star huge one that hurts in certain positions, the only one of her old lovers (other than her cheating partner) that she wants to do. I contacted him, he is still in the game, and looks forward to reintroducing a hot white wife to black dick.
That could happen on a week's notice, but we have houseguests over the holiday, so everything is on hold for the moment.

That's the update. Big changes for me. Would love to hear some of your opinions--especially about my sanity in all this.