Tuesday, October 4, 2011

The End of the Beginning or Beginning of an End?

I've looked back on this and realized that to be true to the title of this blog, the journey of my wife (and me) continues--although it may not be in the erotic directions that it has been in the past. But then again the one thing I have learned after the years with my wife is always expect the unexpected.

I was cleaning off some old files, transferring them to smaller, more portable hard drives with password protection. I also cleaned out some old floopy's and some zip drives. And in doing so I came across the photos of my wife with the black man she cheated on me with. I said to myself, well, it is something you need to deal with, and she was out of town anyway, so I opened up the file and revisited them.

They were erotic of course--but there was none of the "magic" that they both claimed was there at the time. It was just two people enjoying fucking each other. In the same folder was some notes I had made to myself during that time, and one that bothered me, right in the middle of things when I first discovered the photos he had sent her on our computer of the two of themh together.

When first confronted I demanded she choose. She deferred, saying she had to talk to a friend first. And then later she said, "I will make it up to you." But then later I was reminded that she was still in contact with him behind my back. So I stewed on this for a week or two. What would I say to her that I had not already said?

Inside I was furious all over again. And I became angry with myself for not being able to handle it any better. And I did a lot of introspection.

I had gotten to the point since she has quit hotwifing that if she wanted to start back and spend do an overnight without me, if I was comfortable with the guy, that it would be hot. She had loosened up a bit and is willing to now role play anything--as long as I understand that is it for the role playing and not because she wants to do it for real--even if she gets turned on during.

So I dropped her going away with a lover and coming back and telling me about it as a role play.
It turned her on. A few nights later, after I had taken another look at her attraction to her lover from that time--the only one she told that she had loved him--and I had drunk far too much that night, and during the description of the fantasy I told her to imagine that I was ok with her seeing him again (she had told me that recently), but only on condition that she had to fuck someone else in between every fuck with him (like I said, I was really drunk), and then just for the hell of it I threw in that she would have to get a tattoo on her pussy--a black spade. The sex was good, we went to sleep, and neither mentioned it when we awoke. I seriously suspected she had been too drunk herself to even mention it.

The problem was other than talking about it in fantasy I was still hurt and angry about all of it. Especially the lies, the betrayal, etc. "It wasn't about you fucking him, " I told her, "you had permission to do that. But you had to betray my trust."

You can't live with someone for years without being able to pick up on things, and that night as we sat out on the porch of the mountain cabin, it all just boiled over. She kept pushing to find out what was wrong with me, why I was so angry at her, and I let it all out. All of it. And maybe I was more articulate this time, as she seemed to get it.

It was a rambling blow-up. Ranging from "that time you were spending with him behind my back was attention you were stealing from me, and you didn't have the right to do that." I told her that giving her permission to enjoy other men was a gift (she nodded) but a gift she had thrown back in my face. Half way through it she brought up the role play of doing him again.

"I do want to," she said.

"Could you without getting emotionally involved again?" I asked.

"No. I really do not want to see him again because of that." Then she got more solemn, and added, "I will make it up to you like promised. I will get a tattoo like you described if you want me to."

I paused then. "And I didn't say I wouldn't ever do another black guy again," she added, "I said I didn't want to right now--and I'm not sure if I ever will want to again. In the right opportunity, in the right frame of mind, I probably would."

This was one of those serious back-side-of-the-argument moments, when a couple actually come to a realization and resolve certain things and reach a more honest understanding with each other.

I told her I was furious with her for doing that--and I was furious with myself for even considering her being with him again--even in fantasy.

"I will do someone else if you want me to," she said, "if you think that would help."

"No, the biggest part of it in the past has been because YOU wanted to. If you don't want to I know there is some kind of price to pay down the road--and I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do."

"There wouldn't be a price," she said. The conversation stalled. "Are we going to have sex tonight or continue arguing."

"I don't have anything else to say," I said, "I have put it all out there." Then I smiled at her, "and this make-up sex is usually pretty good."

So we ended the night on a positive note, and I felt better, and I think she may have finally understood the gutting she had done to me over this, and for the first time I felt she actually felt remorse for having done it.

And when I first slid inside her, into her very hot and soaked pussy, I stopped. She opened her eyes and looked into mine. "What?" she asked.

"I was wondering if I could get a rain check on you doing someone else for me," I said.

"Yes," she laughed before I stopped it with a kiss.

Truthfully I do not expect anything beyond the conversation--but I guess the thing is the conversation continues.

The next day though she did say, "Why don't I get a henna tattoo there first and see how we like it."

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

This is the end, my only friend, the end.

A journey begins with the first step--and many a journey will end. And it looks like the journey for this one particular hot wife has ended.

The reasons are several. She feels she's getting too old, and about a year ago menopause started, and a resulting thickening through her middle which depressed the hell out of her, and while I thought at first she had no interest in doing other black men, or other men, the reality was she had lost all interest in sex at all. No libido.

I had a horrible time trying to understand while this oversexed woman that I knew lurked just under the surface, that I had seen glimpses of for years, and then one day suddenly burst forth in an explosion of slutness like I had only dreamed, had no lost all interest in sex.

She didn't refuse to do it. But the enthusiasm went away. She tried doctor after doctor. I tried all the little tricks that used to always work. Nothing worked.

And she became more open an honest about why she had wanted to stop hotwifing, and in particular meeting black men. "The sex was unbelievable," she admitted. The problem was all the crap that one has to go through to get to that point. She never like sorting through the responses. She worried about rejection, was extremely nervous on first meetings, and the killer came when she had four particular favorites of the 11 black men she had enjoyed.

One, her first interracial experience, had a meet set-up and failed to meet, texting he was trying to get away as late as 10 minutes before--and was seen later the next day with another woman. (He said she had arrived unexpected). Of course this is also the guy who told us he had only played with one other couple other than his wife, the excuse for going bareback.

No. 2 She had enjoyed a lot, seemed like a good regular, and after three last minute cancellations she said, "If he cancels this time, that's it." And he did. Off the list.

No. 3 We met twice, she loved fucking him, he was her only uncut lover, and she loved sucking his uncut cock. We set up a third meeting, everything was arranged, and we were an hour into the trip--and he texts he can't meet because he has to meet his accountant to do his taxes. (No, I could not make this shit up). He went off the list.

No. 4 The lover she had seen the most. Overnighted twice, left my bed to go fuck him and wake him up once, took her out on a date. The last time the spark wasn't there--he was so thin she said he felt like a teenager (not a turn on for her). And the final killer is that last fuck, in the morning, as he was fucking her his cell phone goes off. And the party calls back 3 times. During the fuck. As soon as he cums (bareback), he pulls out and goes straight to the phone.

As my wife said afterward, "It just wasn't fun anymore. I just did it the last few times for your benefit--and then I realized that this was my body and I didn't have to do that."

I told her that this was for her enjoyment, and if she had stopped enjoying it--well it was probably time to stop. I honestly had to admit that the last couple of times it seemed redundant, wasn't as exciting to watch, and I was running over in my mind, "where do we take it from here."

I had wanted her to make it an even dozen different black guys (although she did suck an even dozen different black cocks), and I had wanted to watch her with two black guys (which was a near miss, two guys in the room, naked, and her willing. But it didn't happen).

So the final talk on the subject with her, "I love role playing it, we can fantasize about it, I still love the idea of it, it is a turn on better than any other, but I know the reality is just not as much fun. But it turns me off if it feels like you are pushing me to do it again." She said that the fantasy of it was hot. The reality of it--was now a complete turn off.

So much that she even refuses to watch a video of her with one of her lovers. And she said that despite what we said, there was a huge emotional toll on her mentally. "You can't help it when you have sex with someone regularly to not develop some attachment," she said, adding, "In ways I had to quit."

I'm not a complete idiot--if it is a turn off, no need to pursue it. I did admit to her that I was somewhat confused about how to talk about her doing black guys in a role play or fantasy and her not think I was pushing her to do it for real. So we finally came up with a safe word. We can talk about it all we want, say whatever we want. But neither of us is to take it as something to do for real unless we are a.sober and b.use the safe word to prove we are serious.

It is working for the moment. She knows that anytime she wants to, she can use that safe word, tell me she wants do, and we go again. Frankly I don't expect it.

"We've done that," is her repeated statement every time it came up prior to the safe word being added.

So like all journeys that start, many of them end. It was a great 4 years. I was able to watch her fulfill her fantasy and fuck 11 different black men, suck off 12 black men and 2 other white men, get picked up in a bar, go out in public alone with a black man on a date, go out with me and a black man to a strip club with it obvious that she was the black man's for the night. Enjoy two men at once (although one was me). And I was able to enjoy her wearing a Q and Spade ankle bracelet, sometimes a Q of spades rub on tattoo on her ankle, in public, a lot. I was able to enjoy her getting her nipples pierced, although that only lasted about 6 months.

And along with the fun I also suffered through the pain of being lied to, cheated on, lied to some more, and in more ways that one treated like a fucking fool. Perhaps in that regard I was a fool.

But we survived it all, to get to the end of this journey. Maybe it is not the end, but a milepost.
But it sure feels like the end. And the beginning of a totally different journey.

When we first started I had told her, "We don't want to be rocking on the front porch in our old age and say, 'I wish we had done...". And I also would add, "It will be more fun if we are able to say, 'damn, wasn't it hot when you were....'." Well we have that.

Would I do it again. Hell yes. Would still be doing it if I though she was willing, really wanted to and could handle it emotionally.

I will leave this blog up. It is the chronicle of a journey, and as such can stand on it's own. It is a testament to reality that couples can do this, survive the crap, enjoy a lot of it, and then go back to a normal life (whatever that is).

So enjoy it for what it is. And if you will, pardon me because there is a still hot woman rocking on the front porch and there is an empty rocking chair beside her waiting for me.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Patience, and evolution of things

If you have followed this blog since the beginning, or are just now catching up and getting this far, this truly is a hotwife's journey. And like all journey's sometimes you cannot predict the turns, roadblocks, or what is around the next corner.
I've reported here every time she has started acting like she was getting interesting in getting back into sexual things--but the problem is she is not just not interesting in fucking anyone else, but she is not interested in fucking. And it has been a problem.
At my request when she had her annual checkup she asked the doctor, and he said, "Let me give your husband a one word answer--'romance'." (Yeah, and instant diagnosis by an idiot in my opinion). While I have stepped up the romance, I've also backed off any reference to hot wifing, frankly hoping that would work.
We laid off sex for a while, I stopped pursuing hoping it might force her to perk up some, and for the first time in a long time we started into foreplay and she asked, "Let's do a black guy role play." And we did and she started talking dirty right in the middle of it. It was great. Past experience had taught me to give her time before suggesting anything like that again--so I was very surprised when a couple of days later she asked for the same thing again.
Earlier in the evening we were talking and I told her that she was a beautiful, sexy woman and there was nothing that would change that--and she was still very desirable but she acted like she didn't know it anymore.
Later in the conversation I told her that if she never did anyone else again that was ok, but she had stopped being the best she could be.
She paused and said, "You right. I have quit trying. This is a turning point for me."
I added, "and if you never want to do black guys again that is ok, I just want you perked up."
Then she threw out, "I never said I wouldn't do a black guy again--I think I will at some point."
Then I also added something I had been thinking about for some time. "You know if you do want to do someone else you can, I don't have to be there."
"Well that has been a problem at times," she said.
"The only stipulation is I have to know about it--no deceit."
"OK, and you know you have that same freedom."
I think we officially have an open marriage. So a time for patience.

I guess we'll see how much if any of these casual conversations will actually turn into anything.

I'll post here if it does.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

A Thawing of the cold

We're still on the hormonal roller coaster, and we have not talked about anything outside of our own sexual lives in past months. She wasn't interested in watching any videos of her with other men with me, she did not even want to talk about it.

Repeatedly it was, "I'm so through with that," or "I'm in a different place now."
So it was a surprise the other night when we started talking about it again, and I explained that what I missed most about it was just her open attitude toward sex, toward how she dressed, how she was smiling all the time, feeling good. That is not what is happening now--not to mention she was horny all the time, thinking about black cock a lot.

In the course of our talking she said that she didn't want to do someone older than her. I pointed out that every man she had been with had been younger, a few substantially younger.
She paused and smiled as she thought about that. "That's right."

And I went on to say that it was totally her call if she wanted to, I wasn't pushing, but if she wanted to I was for it because of the results I had seen in her in the past.

"I never said that I would never," she said, quietly, and I didn't rise to the bait.

"That's not a no," I said.

"No it isn't."

Inside we did a role play along that line, her talking about a black guy she had danced with in a bar before we actually got to doing things for real. "I wish I had done him," she said, "but we weren't ready to do that then."

As she continued talking, guiding me inside her, we slowly enjoyed the sex without speaking, and then I said, "Can you say that you will never fuck anyone else, never fuck another black man?"

"I certainly hope that I will sometime," she smiled.

And since that conversation her entire demeanor has changed. She has spring in her step, started a serious diet, is planning on working out more...I think things are looking up.