The reasons are several. She feels she's getting too old, and about a year ago menopause started, and a resulting thickening through her middle which depressed the hell out of her, and while I thought at first she had no interest in doing other black men, or other men, the reality was she had lost all interest in sex at all. No libido.
I had a horrible time trying to understand while this oversexed woman that I knew lurked just under the surface, that I had seen glimpses of for years, and then one day suddenly burst forth in an explosion of slutness like I had only dreamed, had no lost all interest in sex.
She didn't refuse to do it. But the enthusiasm went away. She tried doctor after doctor. I tried all the little tricks that used to always work. Nothing worked.
And she became more open an honest about why she had wanted to stop hotwifing, and in particular meeting black men. "The sex was unbelievable," she admitted. The problem was all the crap that one has to go through to get to that point. She never like sorting through the responses. She worried about rejection, was extremely nervous on first meetings, and the killer came when she had four particular favorites of the 11 black men she had enjoyed.
One, her first interracial experience, had a meet set-up and failed to meet, texting he was trying to get away as late as 10 minutes before--and was seen later the next day with another woman. (He said she had arrived unexpected). Of course this is also the guy who told us he had only played with one other couple other than his wife, the excuse for going bareback.
No. 2 She had enjoyed a lot, seemed like a good regular, and after three last minute cancellations she said, "If he cancels this time, that's it." And he did. Off the list.
No. 3 We met twice, she loved fucking him, he was her only uncut lover, and she loved sucking his uncut cock. We set up a third meeting, everything was arranged, and we were an hour into the trip--and he texts he can't meet because he has to meet his accountant to do his taxes. (No, I could not make this shit up). He went off the list.
No. 4 The lover she had seen the most. Overnighted twice, left my bed to go fuck him and wake him up once, took her out on a date. The last time the spark wasn't there--he was so thin she said he felt like a teenager (not a turn on for her). And the final killer is that last fuck, in the morning, as he was fucking her his cell phone goes off. And the party calls back 3 times. During the fuck. As soon as he cums (bareback), he pulls out and goes straight to the phone.
As my wife said afterward, "It just wasn't fun anymore. I just did it the last few times for your benefit--and then I realized that this was my body and I didn't have to do that."
I told her that this was for her enjoyment, and if she had stopped enjoying it--well it was probably time to stop. I honestly had to admit that the last couple of times it seemed redundant, wasn't as exciting to watch, and I was running over in my mind, "where do we take it from here."
I had wanted her to make it an even dozen different black guys (although she did suck an even dozen different black cocks), and I had wanted to watch her with two black guys (which was a near miss, two guys in the room, naked, and her willing. But it didn't happen).
So the final talk on the subject with her, "I love role playing it, we can fantasize about it, I still love the idea of it, it is a turn on better than any other, but I know the reality is just not as much fun. But it turns me off if it feels like you are pushing me to do it again." She said that the fantasy of it was hot. The reality of it--was now a complete turn off.
So much that she even refuses to watch a video of her with one of her lovers. And she said that despite what we said, there was a huge emotional toll on her mentally. "You can't help it when you have sex with someone regularly to not develop some attachment," she said, adding, "In ways I had to quit."
I'm not a complete idiot--if it is a turn off, no need to pursue it. I did admit to her that I was somewhat confused about how to talk about her doing black guys in a role play or fantasy and her not think I was pushing her to do it for real. So we finally came up with a safe word. We can talk about it all we want, say whatever we want. But neither of us is to take it as something to do for real unless we are a.sober and b.use the safe word to prove we are serious.
It is working for the moment. She knows that anytime she wants to, she can use that safe word, tell me she wants do, and we go again. Frankly I don't expect it.
"We've done that," is her repeated statement every time it came up prior to the safe word being added.
So like all journeys that start, many of them end. It was a great 4 years. I was able to watch her fulfill her fantasy and fuck 11 different black men, suck off 12 black men and 2 other white men, get picked up in a bar, go out in public alone with a black man on a date, go out with me and a black man to a strip club with it obvious that she was the black man's for the night. Enjoy two men at once (although one was me). And I was able to enjoy her wearing a Q and Spade ankle bracelet, sometimes a Q of spades rub on tattoo on her ankle, in public, a lot. I was able to enjoy her getting her nipples pierced, although that only lasted about 6 months.
And along with the fun I also suffered through the pain of being lied to, cheated on, lied to some more, and in more ways that one treated like a fucking fool. Perhaps in that regard I was a fool.
But we survived it all, to get to the end of this journey. Maybe it is not the end, but a milepost.
But it sure feels like the end. And the beginning of a totally different journey.
When we first started I had told her, "We don't want to be rocking on the front porch in our old age and say, 'I wish we had done...". And I also would add, "It will be more fun if we are able to say, 'damn, wasn't it hot when you were....'." Well we have that.
Would I do it again. Hell yes. Would still be doing it if I though she was willing, really wanted to and could handle it emotionally.
I will leave this blog up. It is the chronicle of a journey, and as such can stand on it's own. It is a testament to reality that couples can do this, survive the crap, enjoy a lot of it, and then go back to a normal life (whatever that is).
So enjoy it for what it is. And if you will, pardon me because there is a still hot woman rocking on the front porch and there is an empty rocking chair beside her waiting for me.